Be Right Back.
50 Reasons I Don’t Want Kids
06November2007
- I don’t have the patience to put up with the screaming, complaining and wailing.
- I’m selfish - I’d rather a new pair of boots than a buggy.
- I’m very career orientated and would probably die if I had to leave work.
- Getting disproportionately fat doesn’t appeal to me.
- I like my pelvis the way it is.
- There are laws against smacking the snot out of children.
- I get easily agitated by stupid behaviour as done regularly by children.
- Having time to myself is an essential aspect of every day life.
- Children become teenagers and go on to deny your existence.
- There’s only room for one set of hormones in my abode.
- The way children elongate vowels really irks me.
- You’re stuck with them for anything between 18-30 years.
- I get bored easily.
- Bodily fluids make me feel nauseous.
- Teaching and nurturing others really grates me.
- I like my expensive gadgets.
- I attack things which annoy me at regular intervals.
- I am very house proud.
- If it’s a girl I’ll be instantly disappointed.
- For some reason an epidural isn’t all that appealing.
- Eating strange food combinations to nourish a foetus is unwholesome.
- Babies look like bruised beetroot’s - no such thing as a cute baby.
- Family holiday’s *shudders*
- It’s cruel to purposely expose someone to our self destructive society.
- Parents night and having to feign an interest in my child’s education.
- Young children have a habit of smearing faeces everywhere.
- There is a large probability I’d fuck up a human being.
- There’s no such thing as fashionable maternal gear.
- Children are like little drunks.
- I’d need to counterbalance watching children’s programming with killing puppies.
- I loathe the idea of a child’s birthday party.
- I wouldn’t want to socialise with the ‘other’ parents.
- Stretch marks.
- Having to change social outings so they are ‘family friendly’.
- The sale price on children is high and I happen to like money.
- Being given an enema before childbirth to prevent ‘accidents’ - no thanks.
- Children are bound to be run over, electrocuted or drowned at the parents expense.
- I’ll be damned if there will be posters of the next Britney on the walls of my house.
- My loud music is not to by outdone by the crap kids listen to.
- I’d hate to have my professional title tippexed over in favour of a more maternal one.
- Children make mess like it’s no one’s business.
- The only underwear I change is my own.
- Children become teenagers, whom I dislike interacting with.
- The thought of spending money on clothes they’ll outgrow in two months sickens me.
- I’m possessive of my food.
- There’s too many pedophiles for parents to fend off.
- From experience disabled children are a nightmare - slim possibility but feasible.
- Making frequent trips to A&E for bumps and falls isn’t appealing.
- Having to indulge fads only for a child to outgrow it fairly quickly = do not want.
- The only thing I maintain on a regular basis is my website.